Going Back Is Hard to Do

So, the time has come! The day I have dreaded most, and at times forgot that would ever happen. I must return to work! To say this makes me sad is an understatement. I have been extremely blessed with what will be almost 15 weeks of time with my precious boy, but somehow that is still not enough. I am also extremely blessed in the fact that I don't have to return to a 9-5 5 days a week, but somehow that is still not enough. Finally, I am also blessed to have found what I believe will be a great place for him to be cared for right in our neighborhood, but somehow still....NOT ENOUGH! I want to be with him every second of every day. I want to be the one to feed him, play with him, teach him, and watch him grow EVERY single day. For almost four months I have spent every moment of his waking life (except for 1-3 hours every now and then) with him, caring for him, and loving him. That is where I want to be. I want to be the one ALL THE TIME! My heart aches that what I want can not be. I need to return to work. I need to make my "own" money. I need to be around others, and do something other than care for him. In the beginining staying at home felt VERY lonely. We have been so blessed to have had family here with us for his birth and all the holidays, and we traveled to see the rest of our family. When all the family first left, and the holidays were over, I was lonely and sad and bored even. This was the first time since I have started working that I have not worked for more than two weeks at a time. But as time has gone on, Cash and I have gotten into a groove. We stay pretty busy. I get to see my friends when I want to see them. I can make appointments, etc. without having to think about when I will sleep. I take him to the gym with me. I take him to the grocery with me. We play, we take walks, we walk around Target and pretend like we can afford to buy things. We get to go to church as a family every weekend because I don't have to worry about work. We skype with Nana, we take no less than 100,000 pictures and videos a day, and send them to family. We have a good time and I don't want it to end. But, alas all good things must come to an end! Lucky for both of us, me going back to work will not be too much of a change. I will be working most Sunday and Thursday nights and weekends every now and then. Frank will be here on those weekends, and that time with his son will be wonderful for both baby and daddy. Mommy will be sleeping instead of hovering over, and Frank will find his own groove with Cash. They will have fun...just the boys. On Mondays and Fridays I will sleep while Cash goes to Mrs. Ines's house to play and learn with the other kiddos. He will be just down the street, and I will be fine.

I will keep telling myself that I will be fine until I really am fine......

I will cherish these first almost four months of my baby boy's life, and the time where I was the one who cared for him every day. We will adjust and be just fine. If I had it my way he would stay 4 months old forever, and I would make what I make at work every week without working. That would be the life. I know I sound like I am probably complaining. It's not like I have to work all day every day. I realize that, and am so thankful I decided to become a nurse so that I can work full time and still be home the majority of the time. I might be a little sleep deprived, but that's ok. I can do it. And after I get a few checks in the bank, Cash and I can mosey around Target AND actually buy some things. Ha!

So if anyone reads this silly blog; can you send up a little prayer for mommy on Sunday at 6:00pm? I will be heading to work for the first time. Cash will only be awake for two more hours before he goes down for night, but when I come home in the AM he will be one day older, and already have had a bottle instead of me feeding him his first meal of the day. I know it is silly, but that makes me sad. I know that when I walk in the door and see his sweet gummy grin everything will be just fine. We will be fine.

So, for now I am going to cherish my last few days as a pretend SAHM, and remember how lucky I am to have had these past four months to learn how to be a mommy. They have been the BEST months.

I love you sweet boy, and will always be thinking of you even when we are apart.